WHat I Always wanted to tEll you KinZa

From the day you accepted my proposal, I felt I achieved something in my life. Unbeknownst to me, our cherished relationship was about to unravel. Just to be frank, I have never said "I love you" to anyone before. Additionally, I have not yet been able to genuinely look at you and declare, "I want to be with you forever." But I really felt it from the inner part of my heart. My diffidence was what forbade me from expressing my feelings. In most relationships, the time to say goodbye usually arrives at one point or another. I have seen many couples break up after some time together. They have shared memories that elicited laughter or tears, and some believe it is time to move forward. But I cannot do that.

I did not promise you everything; I did not give you anything. Perhaps I did not enable your happiness; I did not assist you extensively. I did not engage in dating you, nor did I cuddle you, and I did not communicate with you frequently. From the day I departed from you, from Tashigang, I felt something was always missing with me. Meeting and separating is a natural part of life. We cannot stop that. As a result, I realized how much I missed you.

It's human nature to be jealous or resentful when we hear something different about our dear one. I didn't know how much you have confirmed that I have a relationship with another girl. And I am not sure how much you believe rumors. 

I still remember your dialogs. When I think back, my eyes are always filling up with tears. I always blushed when my friends questioned our relationship. I can't say anything. In such situations, I am stupid!. Everybody praises your positive character. And I know you were, are, and will always be wonderful. I am not praising you. I know how compassionate you are, how exquisite you are, how frank you are, how lovely you are... 

Kinza... Don't think I am bullshitting here. What is said and written here is solely what I feel and wanted to tell you. Do you know why I haven't shared all the details with you over the phone? The reason is that I'm afraid of how you will react. And whenever I call you, I end up saying, "How are you? How is your training going on?" How is everything there? How are Ngawang and all? I have to hang up now, even though I wanted to tell you something. 

I was told, "You dumped me." Yes, you are correct. I dumped you because you thought that I would dump you. It is not Kinza. I have never left you, never hated you, and never neglected you. I always love and care for you. I have never held your hands to tell you that I love you the most in this world. I have always wanted to express my devotion to you. 

Do you believe what people who know you but aren't in contact say—that I love you online? The internet exposes us to a world of information. We meet different kinds of people online. People flirt. They tell lies. I too have many online friends. Most of them are girls. I chat with them, but I never engage in serious conversations. I never tell lies and cheat others. 

The main point I wanted to tell you is I want to REJOIN you. Please forgive me for what has happened. Your absence in my life is making me crazy. Sometimes I get lost in thinking of you. I hope I wouldn't go insane thinking of you. And if I am insane, maybe that is my fate. 

Lastly, Kinza, I am joining my two hands together and begging you to forgive me for annoying you by sending your letters and other messages. This is the biggest crime I have committed. This is the biggest crime I have ever committed in my life, and I still regret it. Whenever I go in temples or lhakhangs, I always offer my shagpaa. And I hope one day God will hear me.  I still love you and care about you more than anyone in this world. 

And don't mind if you think it's nonsense. Good luck, KINZA... 

Warm regards from your Sangay.